its my party...

"It's my party" Judy Gore

Chorus: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry too if it happened to you

Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone

But Judy left the same time

Why was he holding her hand

When he's supposed to be mine

(Chorus)

all my records keep dancing all night

But leave me alone for a while

'Til Johnny's dancing with me

(Chorus)

and Judy just walked thru the door

Like a queen with her king

Oh what a birthday surprise

Judy's wearing his ring

"On the other side" The Strokes

I'm tired of, everyone

I know

Of everyone... I see... on the street and on TV, yeah

On the other side, on the other side

Nobody's waiting for me on the other side

I hate them all, I hate them all

I hate myself for hating them

So drink some more, I'll love them all

I'll drink even more...I'll hate them even more than I did before

On the other side, on the other side

Nobody's waiting for me on the other side

I remember when you came

You... taught me how to sing

Now... it's seems so far away

You... taught me how to say

I'm tired ofBeing so judgemental of everyone

I will not go to sleepI will train my eyes to see

That my mind is as blind as a branch on a tree

On the other side, on the other side

I know what's waiting for me on the other side

The first song is the way I feel today. I am P.O'd for no other reason than things aren't going my way. And even significantly so. Of course it has to do with X as well. I was hoping that it was a 24 hour virus, but I am back to being infatuated with him. SUCKS BALLS. And he's courting a Korean teacher now, so yeah.

These feelings inspired my to post the second song, which I fucking love and also sort of discribes how I'm feeling. Wehn I was going through my particularly darker days a while back, this song was my saviour. I'd hear it at the gym and stop what I was doing so I could listen to it.

Which brings me to the point of this blog: How much value should your desires have over your life. I have always been a fairly... entitled person. I don't know why, nothing in my life could ever have conditioned me towards that kind of disposition. I think its the fact the I believe the world owes me sonething because of all the shit I've had to go through.

Its something that I am conscious of, but have never really been able to get over. And thats the reason I fall into these slumps, where I see things I want or the way I think things should be and because those things are astronomically out ofy reach, I fall into this bitter state where "I'm tired of, everyone I know" and "I hate myself for hating them." This of course leads me to "drink some more, I'll love them all" which only results in "I'll drink even more...I'll hate them even more than I did before."

Both of the songs, now that I think about it, having an underlying feeling of being alone. The fact of the matter is (as I've said before) I don't really know an alternative. One would think that I'd be good at being alone. I actually think I am good at it. But at times like this I question it all and I seem to only be able to come up not much as for an answer.

There is also the idea of simply trying to build some fucking moral character and making an effort to create my own happiness. Seeing as I am alone, I am the cause of my own despair. I think for a time I was succeeding with my "over it" campaign. (Whenever anything would piss me off, I would immediatly say "over it" to signal that I was not going to dwell on it and allow it to cause me any greif) That I suppose like the imfamous "sernity now" mantra can only work for so long before the reality of one's nature takes over and they return to their former selves, if not in a damaged state.

I don't know. I will always fall back on the timeless adage, this too shall pass. Because it shall. This week was nothin like last, and next week will be different from this. And I will go up and down and round and round and all I can do it "pray" (used in its least sacred meaning) that I come out all right - "on the other side."

makes me miss my boys...

I feel better now. I suppose thats what two days (soon to be 3) of Soju drinking will do. X's buddy is in town for his spring break and so we have been trying our best to show him a good time.

Monday night we went to a Soju bar. It started out as just a few text messages back and forth a few hours later we had 11 people sitting around getting boozed on school night. It was pretty awesome. And school was brutal the next day.

Tuesday the three of us went to Jimjabong (Sauna/Bathhouse). I used to go with X every Tuesday and after we'd meet up with some people and do Taco Tuesday at a bar called Sunset Lounge. So that was the plan. I skipped the gym and had Dunkas for dinner with them. Terrible I know, but whatever. It has been I while since I've been to the sauna and so it was really nice to relax and sweat and chat.

We ended up going back to the Soju bar (because I forgot the back with my gym clothes there the night before) and just talked shit and got Soj'd. Home by 1, better than Monday.

I think besides the drinking, it was the male bonding that has gotten my spirits back up. I can gab with the girls about this that and the other, but when I'm with guys, the subject matter always seems to be more fun, more common. It's nice.

Soon however, it will go back to just me and X. Drowning in girls for another 6 months.

???/Unresolved feelings of embarressment/Valentine's day is for suckers

On Friday night, Friday the 13th, I went out for galbi with my friends. It was a run of the mill Friday night, nothing was really out of place or differrent than usual. After galbi we went to a Nore-Bong (kareoke) and then went out to a bar called Vinyl. We left Vinyl to go to Kino-Eye our regular haunt.

The next thing I remember is standing outside of my front door, trying to get in. I wasn't wearing any shoes and didn't have my coat. I then somehow for whatever reason, went to X's house. I woke up in bed on Saturday morning. I checked my pants for my phone and my wallet which were both there. I then proceeded to look outside my room for my coat and my shoes, hoping against all hope, that it has all been a bad dream. Alas, it wasn't.

I talked to my friends who said that I didn't leave Kino after we got there. So I hoped that my stuff was there. I went hiking and went to the bar early on Saturday evening. They did have a fe coats but none were mine.

Needless to say I felt comepletely dejected. I am still not sure that I amc ompletely over it. Its not the material objects that were lost ( a pair of old brown leather shoes from Payless; my Western jacket and a black sweater; my mp3 player); its the embarressment of the entier situation. I feel like such a tool, and loser, and overall douche.

I said to my friend that I can handle my liqour 90% of the time, and then the other 10% are just shitshows. The last time something like this happened to me I missed a trip to the mountains because my friends found me passed out in front of a Family Mart.

The other reason it still rubs me the wrong way is the fact that no one had my back. I suppose I can't really say much - this is not something that my friends can count on my for. But its not even the friend element. I guess I'm thinking that if I has a significant other, this would never have happened. *eyeroll*

By the by, X and Z broke up on Friday night. Apparently there were fighting for a while and I eventually went over got in both of their faces and yelled, "get over it!!" Sounds like something I'd say, but if I wasn't blind drunk, I don't think I would have said anything.

Friday the 13th, followed by Valentine's day. Thats a sick fucking joke if I ever heard one.

I finally get the wagon metaphor

So I fell off the wagon - really hard - this weekend.

This was supposed to be the month of clean living. And I made it all the way to Friday. I went to the gym Friday. I came home and settled in for a quite night. But my roommate forgot her phone at the apartment, so all the people calling her to make plans we getting me instead.

I just HAD to go down the street to where she was predrinking to give her her phone. And how the hell was I going to avoid the temptation after that?

I was considering titling this post: "Will-I-Am-Not"

I was really disappointed with myself. I cannot put my mind to ANYTHING and accomplish it. Its like I'm incapable.

I could go on for days justifying it. A good friend from out of town was down, and he did his best in showing us a good time in Seoul when we went up, so the favor had to be returned (and the guy owns a bar, great friend to have).

I also went off my diet. Had me some nice dunkas at 4 in the morning after the bar. And since I was out so late drinking tequila and giant and tonics, I couldn't make it to the gym on Saturday.

For fucking shame.

Donkasu (pronounced dunk-ass) deep fried pork cutlet served with delicious sauce

However my philosophy remains absolutely no regrets. I had a great time both Friday and Saturday night (on Saturday I drank beer *gasp* - I'm broke and it was the only solution). And life it too fucking short. I live my life more or less like I might die tomorrow and so I do the things that satisfy me.

And so I will take a step back and appreciate a life of moderation. I'll do my clean living thing during the week and enjoy a night out (or two) on the weekend. This weekend X has a friend from Canada coming. We have a Gongshow Galbi planned for him. I'm really looking forward to it.

Update: I was looking for a picture of dunkas and the only one I could find was from a Korean restaurant in LA.

Now I know it isn't actually Korean food, but actually Japanese (most good Korean food isn't Korean). So I searched and found this.

its this or win the lottery...

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about my future over the past couple of weeks and I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am more likely than not, going to have to come back to Korea to do a second year.

I thought about my student loan debt and how much it would effect my life back home, should I return to Canada with it at $16,000, which is what it will be when I am finished my contact in August. And there is not possible way that I can deal with it. I have set a date to have it paid off: March 5, 2013. That's the day I turn 27. That's in four years. I don't think its possible.

The economic situation is one scary motherfucker. I had really not thought about its effect on my life until recently. I don't want to go home and perhaps not be able to find a good paying job, and not be able to afford rent, let alone loan payments. And working in Korea I can clear $2,000 a month and be able to throw money at my debt until it reaches a more manageable level.

There is downsides of course. For starters it means another year in Korea. I don't hate it here, I really don't I just miss home. I miss my friends and the places we used to go and the ease with which life was lived. I miss the freedom, I miss the luxuries, I miss snow and C.C.

Also, when I would finally be home for good, in 2011 I'd be nearly 25. With no real world work experience. This is terrifying to me.

But what is more terrifying is the thought of not being able to buy necessities like furniture, or taking yet another loan to go to college, and even the luxuries like vacations and outings and clothes, because I have loan payments.

The credit crisis has, I hope, shown our generation that we need to live within our means. We can't live on borrowed money. CAN'T. So I am aiming to live on my money. And I can't live if all of my money is going to paying debt. I don't want to be paying back a loan for ten years. As it is it will be nearly that.

So unless something miraculous happens, this is the best option I see to paying back this debt.

There are upsides as well. I will be able to do a lot more traveling. I will be able to avoid the career life for just one more year. I will be able to perhaps save some money to get things rolling when I get home.

I may explore other options, but this is the best one I see right now.

So its me and you Korea. Let's do it.

Budget - for all to see

For the Months: February, March and April

Salary = ~$2000

- OSAP= $1000
- Visa=$100
- MasterCard=$100
- OSAP unempolyment fund = $200
- CC unempolyment fund = $100
- Vacation fund = $100
_____________________________
Living Fund = ~ $400

Savings:

OSAP unempolyment fund = $600 (2 moths payment)
- CC unempolyment fund = $300 ( 2 moths payments)
- Vacation fund = $300 (1 flight)

For the Months: May, June, July

Salary= ~$2000

- OSAP= $1000
- Visa=$100
- MasterCard=$100
- OSAP unempolyment fund = $100
- CC unempolyment fund = $50
- Vacation fund = $250
_____________________________
Living Fund = ~$400

Savings (Grand Totals):
OSAP unempolyment fund = $900 (3 moths payment)

- CC unempolyment fund = $450 (3 moths payments)

- Vacation fund = $1050 (3 flights)

Movie Review: The Wrestler

Got baked (again, more awesome than before) and watched The Wrestler on Sunday. It was awesome. I tried to stay away from reviews for it ever since I started to hear the buzz. I watched the trailer and all it was was praise for the flick. Sometimes that can be a bad thing. They just find ramdoms on the internet who liked it and source them in that movie announcer voice to make it sound spectacular.

Anyways when the opening credits started rooling, I must say that I was expecting the worse. The fanfare they had manifested did not look anything like the WWF propaganda I grew up with and though that was some... 7 years after the main character's hayday was set I wasn't impressed. But when the film actually began, I was blown away. It was gitty and raw and painful and truthful and totally unexpected.

I was however confused and disappointed by somethings. The film had a real documentary feel with the abundance of handheld shots. And at first I thought the follow shots of The Ram were to emulate the follow shots common is modern wrestling broadcasts. It got to be little much though and just came off as lazy and unimaginative.

I also don't think that relationship between the daugther was wholly realistic. It came off like she was an unsympathic brat. And why is Rachel Evan Wood so damned white?? The storyline did play into the overall plot quite well, I just thought it could have been done better.

Also there was a lack of flashbacks. It remained to be seen just how successful of a wrestler he acutally was. I can imagine, but he must have fallen REALLY hard to end up where he did. There was also none of that - the fall from grace. I suppose that was an artistic choice to have the story focus narrowly on his personal assention to imagined greatness.

The story of The Ram is a great film in its exploration of masculinity. It take a look at the powerful male, at the on set of old age. There is no doubt in the viewer's mind that this guy is too old to be doing what he's doing (despite the fact he looks epicly built - *shudder* its still Mickey Rourke). But his measure of self worth is tied forever to his persona in the ring. It is his place of business, its what he knows how to do best and what he is good at.

The film also does a lot to show just how real wrestling is. I was a wrestling for a few short lived years. My mother would have none of it in her house, which worked for me because all of my friends had bigger and better TVs to watch it on. I still catch it on every once in a while and am taken aback by the amount of superstars who have been around since before I was a fan. Bret Micheals is still running around without his shirt and hes been wrestling since 1988 (omfg!). It is the ultimate male soap opera.

Rating time: ****/5
Check it out.