its my party...

"It's my party" Judy Gore

Chorus: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry too if it happened to you

Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone

But Judy left the same time

Why was he holding her hand

When he's supposed to be mine

(Chorus)

all my records keep dancing all night

But leave me alone for a while

'Til Johnny's dancing with me

(Chorus)

and Judy just walked thru the door

Like a queen with her king

Oh what a birthday surprise

Judy's wearing his ring

"On the other side" The Strokes

I'm tired of, everyone

I know

Of everyone... I see... on the street and on TV, yeah

On the other side, on the other side

Nobody's waiting for me on the other side

I hate them all, I hate them all

I hate myself for hating them

So drink some more, I'll love them all

I'll drink even more...I'll hate them even more than I did before

On the other side, on the other side

Nobody's waiting for me on the other side

I remember when you came

You... taught me how to sing

Now... it's seems so far away

You... taught me how to say

I'm tired ofBeing so judgemental of everyone

I will not go to sleepI will train my eyes to see

That my mind is as blind as a branch on a tree

On the other side, on the other side

I know what's waiting for me on the other side

The first song is the way I feel today. I am P.O'd for no other reason than things aren't going my way. And even significantly so. Of course it has to do with X as well. I was hoping that it was a 24 hour virus, but I am back to being infatuated with him. SUCKS BALLS. And he's courting a Korean teacher now, so yeah.

These feelings inspired my to post the second song, which I fucking love and also sort of discribes how I'm feeling. Wehn I was going through my particularly darker days a while back, this song was my saviour. I'd hear it at the gym and stop what I was doing so I could listen to it.

Which brings me to the point of this blog: How much value should your desires have over your life. I have always been a fairly... entitled person. I don't know why, nothing in my life could ever have conditioned me towards that kind of disposition. I think its the fact the I believe the world owes me sonething because of all the shit I've had to go through.

Its something that I am conscious of, but have never really been able to get over. And thats the reason I fall into these slumps, where I see things I want or the way I think things should be and because those things are astronomically out ofy reach, I fall into this bitter state where "I'm tired of, everyone I know" and "I hate myself for hating them." This of course leads me to "drink some more, I'll love them all" which only results in "I'll drink even more...I'll hate them even more than I did before."

Both of the songs, now that I think about it, having an underlying feeling of being alone. The fact of the matter is (as I've said before) I don't really know an alternative. One would think that I'd be good at being alone. I actually think I am good at it. But at times like this I question it all and I seem to only be able to come up not much as for an answer.

There is also the idea of simply trying to build some fucking moral character and making an effort to create my own happiness. Seeing as I am alone, I am the cause of my own despair. I think for a time I was succeeding with my "over it" campaign. (Whenever anything would piss me off, I would immediatly say "over it" to signal that I was not going to dwell on it and allow it to cause me any greif) That I suppose like the imfamous "sernity now" mantra can only work for so long before the reality of one's nature takes over and they return to their former selves, if not in a damaged state.

I don't know. I will always fall back on the timeless adage, this too shall pass. Because it shall. This week was nothin like last, and next week will be different from this. And I will go up and down and round and round and all I can do it "pray" (used in its least sacred meaning) that I come out all right - "on the other side."