Beijing is for lovers

I am really upset that I didn't get to post last week. So much has happened and I would have really like to get all I had to say down before this post. But I suppose if I am diligent then I will come to it eventually.

So we just got back from spending a few days in China and while I would love to say that it was an amazing time, it wasn't. It wasn't all bad, not by any means. There were just a few too many downsides that took away from the whole experience. I remember as I ran through the Summer Palace thinking, "don't worry, you'll be back".

That was the main theme of the trip: 'Beijing: a don't blink or you'll miss it'

Highlights: The massiveness. The city didn't seem to be as sprawling as I would have expected, however did confine our adventures to, I'd guess like 1/4 of the city. But the places that we went. The Temple of Heaven, The Summer Palace, The Great Wall, The Forbidden City, Tainanmen Square - oh, the Olympic grounds - just vast, massive, impressive places.

Another important highlight was the hotel we stayed in. 5 stars. Gorgeous. The bed, the bathroom, the lobby, the gym, the sauna - wonderful, amazing. It however has its drawbacks.

Low lights: the annoying girls on the bus (Americans, of course), the relatively small amounts of time we got to spend of cultural sites versus the time we spent at shopping sights. The fact that our hotel was on the edge of town so we weren't close to anything. That only really mattered at night when we were in want of a place to go out and "kick up our heels". I said I didn't want the trip to be booze filled, but it would have been nice to have to option. Oh, and the lovers.

The Lovers were on perpetual display this weekend and I couldn't get over the terrible feelings they inspired in me. The easy way to describe it would be jealousy. But that is too blanket of a term. It was a sadness, a longing. In the shower this morning I came up with "their togetherness clanged metallic echos against the vast void in my life."

The Lovers by the by are X and Z. Z I've never talked about on here. She's a beautiful girl who works at my school. X and Z hooked up not very long after he arrived in Korea, however it remained to be seen what the outcome of it would be. 5 months later they seem to be a happy couple albeit, neither of them will go ahead and use relationship type words like that.

I said its not jealousy even though it clearly is. I want X still, not sure when that will fade, though I'm counting on the fact that it will. At one and the same time, it was all the other couples that were getting to me as well. The hand-holding, the embracing in the cold, the whispering, the giggling. Its weird because that couple experience is still foreign to me. I have only had two boyfriends and both of them were a farce. I can't really remember having that which I was jealous of. It remains an ideal of something I aspire to find.

And yet, does one actively seek something like that or does it find you? And if it does find you, where's mine? Undoubtedly, it's not in this country. But it I couldn't find it at home either. I did seek it at home and when that failed to yield any positive results, I stopped looking.

But this lonliness is beginning to consume me. I am a quite, sad person. Not the person I was before Christmas. In some respects I miss that me. I miss him so much and want him to come back and shake me out of this slump.

But that me ate like a pig and spent his money like he was rich. This sad me thinks more about what he eats and how he spends. This new sad me is seriously considering doing a rehab like 28 days. I want to refine the regiment I have begun. I want to stop drinking and smoking. I want to stop going out to dinners and indulging. I want to save $1500 and burn 5 pounds of fat. I want to waste away and have people worry about me. I want to spend weekend night alone in my room reading and writing and becoming a better version of myself.

Delusion of grandeur I suppose....