Friday, July 10, 2009

Back Handed Compliments AKA WAY T.M.I

So, I suppose I should start this post off with the most exciting of news: I met a boy. he's not like the other boys I have met in Korea, he's a real boy. He's an out and proud, 6'5'', Australian boy, who I am quite taken with.


That news is bumps my other most exciting news to second. That news is of course that I am so fucking close to being out of this country, I can fucking taste it. I have all my visas, I bought my backpack, I've sent home more than half of the stuff I came to this country with. I have all of my plane tickets EXCEPT the most important one - the one home.


We had asked our director about getting the cash for our ticket, because our contract states that we get a ticket home, from Busan. But since we are going to be all the way in Bangkok, Thailand, we said just give us the money, and we'll pay the difference. For whatever reason she said that it was no problem, she'd buy our ticket for us. Now we did some investigating the travel agent said it would be something like 2,000,000 won (about $2000). She siad because the flight was outside of Korea, we weren't eligible for any discounts. Anyways we looked around and found an airline that would get us from Bangkok - Toronto for $1022 CAN. The only catch was that it had to be purchased on the internet.


Anyways we leave in exactly 2 weeks and - no ticket. Paitently waiting.


Anyways so the meat of the story - Z - not the Z of yester-post, but lets call him ZJ, his initals. It all started on Friday night when my posse and I said that we wanted to do something outside of the norm one Friday night. We heard about a bonfire at the faraway beach that we used to frequent last summer. So we rolled out there and were having quite an enjoyable time. However the girls couldn't help themselves and so they ditched and hit up KSU and our usual haunts. I hung back with one other girl and we continued chatting until I checked my phone for the time and saw the following txt msg: "JROLLO GAWAY PARTY AT KINO AT LEAST 5 GAYS" I grabbed my friend and put her ass in a cab with me and I told the driver Kino.


(gotta to my last class finish later)

We were got to the bar and I saw Kyle2 ( a skinny, blond, blading gay guy, who looks like my best friend from London, Kyle) and we chatted for a little bit. He introduced me to ZJ and said, "Hey you should take him home." I looked over at ZJ, sized him up and said, "Ok." The rest as they say is history. We've known each other 3 weeks and we spend A LOT of time together.

He's a really cool guy and we are both pieces. {WARING: Here comes to TMI} We are also both tops. When two queer meet, you have to figure out who's the top and who's bottom. It obviously doesn't work if you've got two of the same. Anyways, it took us a little bit to figure out what was doing. He took it first. I promised that I'd take it before I left. But, last night he took it again (It was glorious btw). We were in the shower afterwards and he says, "This is bad, because I kind of like bottoming for you." I cock and eye. "Well, you're not that big, so it doesn't hurt or anything." he says.

"Well you sure know how to make a guy feel comfident about himself." I said.

"You know what I mean," he said.

A back-handed compliment if I ever heard one.

This weekend, we're heading to Mudfest. We have heard about about this thing sicne we first got here. 3000 foreigners take over this beach town up north, roll around in mud, drowning in soju, and its supposed to be EPIC. I can't wait. We gotta get up at 6:45 am though, which is balls, then be on a bus for 3+ hours. Balls. But supposed to be EPIC. We'll see.

Also reports that school children who went last weekend got some sort of weird rash is dampening the atmosphere. Not hot. But again, we'll see. As if drunk foreigners would restain themselves for something as small as a rash.

Thats it (started drinking already, what's wrong with me) OUT

Monday, June 1, 2009

May: the month nothing went my way

So, I'm gonna go ahead and say thank god May is over. I tried my best to get things on track after Seoul, but shit just wouldn't go my way. Whatever, I'm over.

In case you didn't hear, I got right wasted on the 22nd and woke up with a gaint gash in my arm. My bedsheets were covered in blood, I looked at the whole and I swore I could see muscle. It was not hot. I'm glad I made the smart decision to go to hospital and get it looked at. I had to get 4 stitches (and a tetanus shot) at the cost of180,000 won (~$165). Fucking worst. Now the school will cover me for half, but still.

Gah! And I've started to more aggressively plan my exit strategy and I hate it because there are so many unknowns. It looks like now we'll be leaving for Vietnam from Japan. But bloodly Japan is so exspensive, not sure if it will be worth it to just fly back to Busan. And I bought a box, to send my shit home, because I can't travel with everything I brought. That means I'll have to sell (gulp - give away) my luggage. And then there's whole 'what the fuck am I gonna do when I get home?!'

Anyways I'm gonna just walk blindly into the future and hope that everything falls into place like I have been so lucky thus far to be my experience - except for May.

Oh yeah. I'm not getting laid ever again. I am gonna go fucking blind *shakes head*

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I would...

I realize now the problem with my 90 day mission was the first day I gave myself a cheat. It was called perfection for a reason, but that really didn't mean that much to me. I'm over it which it good, but still got this beer gut which is bad.

Currently it is 7:46a.m. and I am waiting for my laundry to finish. I got up at 6:30 this morning to go for a run, my new attempt to stay in shape, but when I got down to the street it STARTED raining. When I was getting ready in my apartment it wasn't raining. When I left the buiding it was spitting. But when I got the light, it was totally coming down. I decided to turn around and call it quits because #1, I had my MP3 player on me (brand new, to replace the one I lost drunkenly) and #2, to avoid getting sick.

I can't believe it been so long since I last posted. Or I can because I have been running in the morning and that doesn't leave much time in the morning to do anything but get ready. You know me, once the sun goes down I'm closed for business. I can't rightly do anything. I have got the change that before I become an old man, but the truth is I get do so much during daylight hours, I think I deserve some time to myself.

Sure, sure, what could me more self serving than blogging. I just don't like to get my mind going at night, because I'm kind of neurotic and I could very easily see being kept up by my churning brain. And my sleep is very valuable to me. Very.

So what has happened since my last post. Lots of nothing. Went up to Seoul at the beginning of the month. That was fun. Homo Hill was a fucking dissappointment. Went to the DMZ. Fairly interesting though also kinda boring.

Dear god I haven't gotten laid since my last post either. April 11 - now is... 5 weeks and counting. I was at the bar last night and I said, if I go though all of June, I'm going to stop trying. Oh, p.s. I'm going home for the end of August.

Gotta go get ready for the school. I'll be back.

Monday, April 13, 2009

90 days to Perfection: Day 14 [Weekend Update]

So this weekend wasn't much different from last weekend. I cheated major hardcore. But the weekend was GLORIOUS.

Friday I went to the gym (yay me!), and then I went to glabi and got shittered. It was fun. Saturday we went for brunch on the beach. The place was really, really nice and had really good food. It was almost $10 a head, and of course I wanted nothing to do with that, so I drank beer instead. Then we proceeded to Heaundae beach and had such a wonderful day it was disgusting.

I drank lots of soju, played some kick ball, went for a dip in the freezing water, talked a bunch of shit to a bunch of people, just good fucking times. I remember being hammered and standing in the sun and being very happy with myself.

Saturday night was messy. We didn't get out until after midnight. Ended up at Ghetto bar, making out harcore with Matt. Almost the half the bar clapped for us. Terrible. Went back to his house, yada yada yada, I took the subway home Sunday morning.

The plan was to hit the beach again on Sunday, but plans were slow to come together so me and X decided to hit the jimgyobong. We went to Spaland, the one that opened recently in the new mega department store Shinshegae. It was really nice, cost like $14, but it was a full day experience so it was worth it. Ended up doing fried chicken and pizza and beer for dinner. Nice relaxing Sunday.

I skipped morning cardio Monday, went out for a few beers with the girls that night. But I'm not stressing. Things are going quite well, so I'm not going to beat myself up. Going with the flow.
Peace out.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

90 days to Perfection: Day 6 [Weekend Update]

So I totally cheated this weekend. And I am okay with that because I had a pretty awesome weekend.

I skipped the gym on Friday, and I tried my hardest not to, but it couldn't be helped. My friend Dawn got into teacher's college in Toronto (so excited) and so she wanted someone celebrate with, and there I was.

That was followed by Galbi, which was awesome. That was followed by Kino and Ghetto. Then I look at my phone and it was 3:30 and I paintball in the morning, so I called it a night. X, however didn't and drank til 7a.m. When I went to his house on Saturday morning at 11:15, he was hugging the toilet. So he missed paintball.

At paintball I spent the entire time getting drunk off soju/orange juice. Playing was a lot of fun too. I got fucking mascured, got some beautiful bruses to prove it.

Saturday night got off to a late start but had a wicked predrink and then went a bar that we don't frequent called U2 and had a blast. Then of course we ended up at Kino. Went to McDonalds on the way home. Glorious.

Sunday went to the beach. My widget said it was going to be 18, but it definitely wasn't 18. Nice but not 18. Played some frizbee, learned a new game called tips. Hard. My team was losing, and so I start sacrificing my body to make plays. I cut my leg open pretty nice on the sand. Had a hilirous conversation about licking the wound.

Sunday night watched a Canadian movie called Passchendaele. The first half of the movie was very questionable. It was a WWI "epic" (used very losly), and this soldier comes home from the front shell shocked and so he gets assigned to recruiting. Blah blah blah, falls in love, blah blah blah, gets sent back to the front. The battle that it showed was really really well done, and really puts into prespective what fighting a war is all about. The film itself was beautifully shot, and the acting wasn't bad. But the writing was fucking brutal.

Anyways, I am not going to say that I failed, because I didn't. I got up this morning to do my cardio. I'm going to the gym tonight. I am starting to look slightly better and its been two weeks. Gonna stick it out. Gonna get'r done.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

90 days to Perfection: Day 2

Lordy, lordy, nothing rally goes right for me eh? So yesterday was day 1, not bad, just like any other day. Glad I tried to "set a tone" last week. Woke up this morning and my shoulder fucking kills. I must have slept on it funny. But it fucked with my cardio this morning. Strange because I could do push-ups no problem, but when I was doing leg raises it was blindingly painful. And today is supposed to be my shoulder day.

Morning cardio is also starting to tire me out. Last week I felt awesome, but I'm starting to feel it at work. I think I have to be VERY strick with my bedtime. 12:00-12:15 I'm fine, but 12:15-12:30 I definitly feel it the next day.

Also the drinking temptation is too much. Its only Thursday and people are making plans and I'm like "resistance... is... futile..." The girls are all going out of town so it'll be just me and X and two (or three) other friends. But we're all good times, no one I know is boring. Luckily, one friend is doing a detox which doesn't end til Monday I think. So I will need to use her as cruch. Or I could just drink. But I had said I only wanted to have two cheat day per month. And Leanne's birthday is one at the end of the month. And I don't even have any money or anything right now (like I'm literally broke, gonna have to get a loan from Leanne til Monday).

Terrible. Trying to get my food-cheats under control as well. Yesterday was just a few cups of tea, which I'm not sure I will be able to give up. But there always seems to be treats showing up in the office, cakes or pateries or cookies. I wish they had rice cakes in this country.

And my weight keeps going up. I set a mental goal of wanting to weigh 169 pounds at the end of this, checked my weight yesterday and it was 79.7 Kg (175 pounds), up from 77..8 (171). I can't fucking win.

Whatever I'm trying, we'll see how it goes. Power through bitch.

March: By the Numbers

Number of times I went to the gym: 14/31 (j.c)
Number of days I smoked: 11/31
Number of days I drank beer: 9/31

So I got better on my non-beer and cigarettes days, but Jeez, didn't realize the gym was so bad. I guess the week of my birthday had something to do with it.

*As a note I was working on my 10k time, rather than lifting at the gym. I've got it down to 51:40.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

90 days to Perfection: T-2 days

The alternative title to this post was "Cheese and Carbs many, many"
That was my Saturday. The plan was to stay in Friday night and then run to the beach on Saturday morning and spend the day hanging out and oogiling foreigners. Instead I woke up close to 2 p.m. with a wicked hangover and spent the day eating - cheese and carbs.

It was actually pretty glorious, but that is the type of shit that I am going to have to avoid on the 90 day journey. But I had to get that (Saturday) out of my system. I am going to remember that day so that I can convince myself that no, I don't need to go out drinking till 6a.m. No, I don't need the spend the whole day nursing myself like a heartbroken teenage girl. Yes, I will get out of bed, out of this house and go and do something active.

This Saturday paintball part 2. Excited.

Morning Carido again today. Awesome. Gym after work. I can do this. Watch me.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

90 days to Perfection: T-5 days

I think I have gotten off to a pretty good pre-start. I have found that going to bed a reasonable time is fucking amazing. The past two days I have woken up at 6:40 and I really don't feel any more tired than I usually do at school, and to be perfectly honest, I think I feel a little bit better.

The think that I think I am going to have to try and figure out is the whole food thing. This my current diet:

Breakfast (9:00)
2-3 Bananas
1/2 cup of milk (sometimes a yogurt)
24-35g of protein
in a shake

2 boiled eggs (just the whites)

Lunch (12:00)
A spinach salad with a moderate dressing
(oriental/yogurt based)

Snack (2:30-4:30)
A yogurt
crackers
An apple (sometimes)
Fruit Juice

Dinner
???
Ranges from stir fries, to pasta, I used to make eggs and veggies, but not so much anymore. The problem with dinner is the timing. If I eat before the gym, its at like 6:30 and when I'm done at the gym I'm staving and will make a small snack when I get home at 10. If I don't eat until after the gym its at 11. That can't be good. But I really don't have much choice. I think what I will try is to try to eat at the earlier time and not make that snack when I get home.

Except on Tuesday-Thursday... because if I leave school at 5:30 I can be home from the gym by like 8/8:30. Tuesday s fuct too, because it has now become my grocery shopping day, so I still don't get to the gym till like 7:30/8. But I have started eating at Mega Mart. A meat stick and some soup, usually does me good and its under $3...

April 1st!

**Update
I went to the gym today and I got some numbers.
Weight: 77.9 Kg
Body fat: 23%
5Km: 26:40

Set goal another day, Boys Over Flowers awaits!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

90 days to Perfection: T-7 days

Ok so I skipped the gym yesterday because I felt so tried and miserable. I actually went to the gym and they said they had no lockers, and that they could put my shit in the office, but I was like, nope, not having it - going home.

On the way home, I had to use all of my will power not to stop at every western food joint (i.e. McDonalds and Pizza Bingo) that would take my VISA because I am butt-fuck broke right now. I had to get an advance from work.

And I yet another resolution. Mud Fest is in July. That gives me almost exactly 3 months to get my chit together. I want to look good when I go, and not sucking in my stomach good. Just good. So from the first I am giving myself 90 to turn myself into something that I have never been. Hot.

I have seen ridiculos 12 week transformations. And if I read one more thing about consistency and dedication I'll just throw myself out of a window.

So, today, I didn't want to go to the gym. But Idid. And last night I went to bed at 12:30 and I woke up this morning at 7:11. I am going to see if I can do that again. Early to bed, early to rise. And get a cardio set in.

I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

For the sake of posting

Currently waiting for my laundry to finish so I can watch Boys Over Flowers. Awesome Korean drama. Well not really awesome, but its the big thing right now, and we found it online with English subtitles. It makes me feel a little bit more connected with this god forsaken country. Its really kitschy, and who who doesn't love a little kitsch in their lives.

What else. Oh, birthday weekend. The letter. I'm going to let that stay in the pages of my pen and paper journal. Yeah, I journal too. Maybe a bit overkill, but who fucking asked you? I do it for times like these. Needless to say it was a fucking gongshow, there was a bit more embarrassment than I would have liked, but all the parties involved seem to be over it, so hazaa.

I started "distance training" this week. I've been running 10km on the treadmill in leu of actually working out. Its burns about a 1000 calories which I am all about and it makes me feel really accomplished. In four days I have lost 4 pounds and taken a 1:40 off of my over all time. I feel pretty good about myself. The test will be, I suppose, next week.

Thats it. Work still sucks. Feeling better about the whole X thing for know. Either fortunately or unfortunately, he read the letter, but did make any other acknowledgement of the situation. Chalk another one up for him. Dickface. Yeah you, dickface.

Laundry just chimed at me. Peace out.

February: By the Numbers

Number of days in the country: 28/28
Number of times I went to the gym: 12/28 :|
Number of days I smoked: 18/28
Number of days I drank beer: 14/28

Over it - I have many excuses. I have been doing (a bit) better in March and I am comfortable with my "progress".

Friday, March 6, 2009

Dear X

Apologies to my "readers" who have to bare witness to my terribleness, but this wasn't something I felt could go in a facebook message. Besides he wanted this link anyways so it serves a duel purpose.

X,
I want to thank you for being a truly amazing person. You are bigger, smarter, kinder, more forgiving than any friend I have ever known. And in return I have used and abused you in so many ungodly ways that it truly makes me ill. Which is why I have decided to write you this letter (... blog post).

I feel that I have wronged you one too many times and I can't stand it. I can't believe that I have the ability to be such a tool. But from today I vow to make a concerted effort to turn myself around. I know that you know me and I make promises I can't keep on a daily basis, but you know that I value our friendship so I hope that you can believe that I am genuine.

I was going to put the option of a friendship time-out to you, but I think that I have initiate it, so that my heart doesn't break from the rejection. Give me a month to right myself in the head. I know that I can do it, and I will begin today. There are no words to express my remorse, how truly bad I feel and while I know that that in real way makes up for my behavior, I am truly deeply sorry.

This could drag on and on, but I won't. I will do better, I promise. You do not deserve to acquainted with reproachful people such as myself. You are too good.

Signed,
that ass you once knew

Monday, March 2, 2009

Everythings gone to shit

J.C. I can't believe how quickly things change. I equally cannot believe just how not in my favor things change. Thankfully its late at night and I don't have time to go into the details of it all, but I need to get something down before it all changes again, and the whole idea of chronicling becomes as void as I secretly know it is.

Work
My kids' graduation was last week Wednesday. I really wish I could say it all went off without a hitch. The fact of the matter everything went wrong. They were too quite. The dumb bitch running the music fuct up the cue, so my kids stood there like deers in the headlights until the last second and finally pulled it together - somewhat. They kept changing the order of who was walking onto the stage to do their graduation bow. By the end of the showing I was fuming mad.

Of course that all melted away when I saw the first crying mother come on stage to congratulate her son. By the time I posed for the 5th picture I had all but forgotten that anything other what we had practiced for weeks and weeks had occurred. Of course we did have to go and teach for the rest of the afternoon, but the celebration that night was fucking brilliant. You know, Gongshow Galbi, good times.

Today we started out new semester and it is right fuct. We now rotate in the morning so I see three different kindergartens - balls. My homeroom is 1st year "6" year olds. It sucks. But they do seem like a good group of kids and I really hope they start to pick up what I'm putting down real fucking quick. I don't think I have ever looked at the clock more than today.

My afternoon also right sucks cock. No details neccessary, just sucks. Over it though, could be worse.

The X situation
I so fucking had the X situation unde control. I fucking did. We had a drunken love-in one night at Galbi, and in my head I said, "Ok, I get it. I really do love this guy so much more as a friend than as a(n imaginary) lover. He's fucking awesome and I CAN'T do anything to fuck this up."

Then for reasons, I really can't remember, those old familar, sinful feelings starting bubbling up again and I couldn't (can't) get him out of my head. It's really a day to day thing really. Sitting here now I'm like, well, I actually might just have it under control and blah blah blah. But then the weekend comes and I can't help myself.

It really doesn't help that I don't have any other prospects. The situation with that Matt is boarderline toxic. I am not sure how I even entertained the idea of trying to court him. I stumble at every attempt, and I have zero motivation to try and sweep him off his feet with my supposed/imagined charm. I can't be fucking bothered. He doesn't do it for me in that way. The single positive attribute that I attatch to him is that he might let me fuck him again. Thats it. Bah. Terrible.

Just to make sure that I've make this a complete "woe is me" post, I skipped the gym everyday last week. That means I went twice in the last two weeks of February. Fucking Fantastic Will.

*Sigh* Went to the gym today though. I do have my shit somewhat organized at work. My birthday is this weekend and it looks like it might actually turn out. But I shouldn't say anything lest I jinx it. I seem to be good at that.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

its my party...

"It's my party" Judy Gore
Chorus: It's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
Nobody knows where my Johnny has gone
But Judy left the same time
Why was he holding her hand
When he's supposed to be mine
(Chorus)
all my records keep dancing all night
But leave me alone for a while
'Til Johnny's dancing with me
(Chorus)
and Judy just walked thru the door
Like a queen with her king
Oh what a birthday surprise
Judy's wearing his ring
"On the other side" The Strokes
I'm tired of, everyone
I know
Of everyone... I see... on the street and on TV, yeah
On the other side, on the other side
Nobody's waiting for me on the other side
I hate them all, I hate them all
I hate myself for hating them
So drink some more, I'll love them all
I'll drink even more...I'll hate them even more than I did before
On the other side, on the other side
Nobody's waiting for me on the other side
I remember when you came
You... taught me how to sing
Now... it's seems so far away
You... taught me how to say
I'm tired ofBeing so judgemental of everyone
I will not go to sleepI will train my eyes to see
That my mind is as blind as a branch on a tree
On the other side, on the other side
I know what's waiting for me on the other side
The first song is the way I feel today. I am P.O'd for no other reason than things aren't going my way. And even significantly so. Of course it has to do with X as well. I was hoping that it was a 24 hour virus, but I am back to being infatuated with him. SUCKS BALLS. And he's courting a Korean teacher now, so yeah.
These feelings inspired my to post the second song, which I fucking love and also sort of discribes how I'm feeling. Wehn I was going through my particularly darker days a while back, this song was my saviour. I'd hear it at the gym and stop what I was doing so I could listen to it.
Which brings me to the point of this blog: How much value should your desires have over your life. I have always been a fairly... entitled person. I don't know why, nothing in my life could ever have conditioned me towards that kind of disposition. I think its the fact the I believe the world owes me sonething because of all the shit I've had to go through.
Its something that I am conscious of, but have never really been able to get over. And thats the reason I fall into these slumps, where I see things I want or the way I think things should be and because those things are astronomically out ofy reach, I fall into this bitter state where "I'm tired of, everyone I know" and "I hate myself for hating them." This of course leads me to "drink some more, I'll love them all" which only results in "I'll drink even more...I'll hate them even more than I did before."
Both of the songs, now that I think about it, having an underlying feeling of being alone. The fact of the matter is (as I've said before) I don't really know an alternative. One would think that I'd be good at being alone. I actually think I am good at it. But at times like this I question it all and I seem to only be able to come up not much as for an answer.
There is also the idea of simply trying to build some fucking moral character and making an effort to create my own happiness. Seeing as I am alone, I am the cause of my own despair. I think for a time I was succeeding with my "over it" campaign. (Whenever anything would piss me off, I would immediatly say "over it" to signal that I was not going to dwell on it and allow it to cause me any greif) That I suppose like the imfamous "sernity now" mantra can only work for so long before the reality of one's nature takes over and they return to their former selves, if not in a damaged state.
I don't know. I will always fall back on the timeless adage, this too shall pass. Because it shall. This week was nothin like last, and next week will be different from this. And I will go up and down and round and round and all I can do it "pray" (used in its least sacred meaning) that I come out all right - "on the other side."

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

makes me miss my boys...

I feel better now. I suppose thats what two days (soon to be 3) of Soju drinking will do. X's buddy is in town for his spring break and so we have been trying our best to show him a good time.

Monday night we went to a Soju bar. It started out as just a few text messages back and forth a few hours later we had 11 people sitting around getting boozed on school night. It was pretty awesome. And school was brutal the next day.

Tuesday the three of us went to Jimjabong (Sauna/Bathhouse). I used to go with X every Tuesday and after we'd meet up with some people and do Taco Tuesday at a bar called Sunset Lounge. So that was the plan. I skipped the gym and had Dunkas for dinner with them. Terrible I know, but whatever. It has been I while since I've been to the sauna and so it was really nice to relax and sweat and chat.

We ended up going back to the Soju bar (because I forgot the back with my gym clothes there the night before) and just talked shit and got Soj'd. Home by 1, better than Monday.

I think besides the drinking, it was the male bonding that has gotten my spirits back up. I can gab with the girls about this that and the other, but when I'm with guys, the subject matter always seems to be more fun, more common. It's nice.

Soon however, it will go back to just me and X. Drowning in girls for another 6 months.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

???/Unresolved feelings of embarressment/Valentine's day is for suckers

On Friday night, Friday the 13th, I went out for galbi with my friends. It was a run of the mill Friday night, nothing was really out of place or differrent than usual. After galbi we went to a Nore-Bong (kareoke) and then went out to a bar called Vinyl. We left Vinyl to go to Kino-Eye our regular haunt.

The next thing I remember is standing outside of my front door, trying to get in. I wasn't wearing any shoes and didn't have my coat. I then somehow for whatever reason, went to X's house. I woke up in bed on Saturday morning. I checked my pants for my phone and my wallet which were both there. I then proceeded to look outside my room for my coat and my shoes, hoping against all hope, that it has all been a bad dream. Alas, it wasn't.

I talked to my friends who said that I didn't leave Kino after we got there. So I hoped that my stuff was there. I went hiking and went to the bar early on Saturday evening. They did have a fe coats but none were mine.

Needless to say I felt comepletely dejected. I am still not sure that I amc ompletely over it. Its not the material objects that were lost ( a pair of old brown leather shoes from Payless; my Western jacket and a black sweater; my mp3 player); its the embarressment of the entier situation. I feel like such a tool, and loser, and overall douche.

I said to my friend that I can handle my liqour 90% of the time, and then the other 10% are just shitshows. The last time something like this happened to me I missed a trip to the mountains because my friends found me passed out in front of a Family Mart.

The other reason it still rubs me the wrong way is the fact that no one had my back. I suppose I can't really say much - this is not something that my friends can count on my for. But its not even the friend element. I guess I'm thinking that if I has a significant other, this would never have happened. *eyeroll*

By the by, X and Z broke up on Friday night. Apparently there were fighting for a while and I eventually went over got in both of their faces and yelled, "get over it!!" Sounds like something I'd say, but if I wasn't blind drunk, I don't think I would have said anything.

Friday the 13th, followed by Valentine's day. Thats a sick fucking joke if I ever heard one.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I finally get the wagon metaphor

So I fell off the wagon - really hard - this weekend.

This was supposed to be the month of clean living. And I made it all the way to Friday. I went to the gym Friday. I came home and settled in for a quite night. But my roommate forgot her phone at the apartment, so all the people calling her to make plans we getting me instead.

I just HAD to go down the street to where she was predrinking to give her her phone. And how the hell was I going to avoid the temptation after that?

I was considering titling this post: "Will-I-Am-Not"

I was really disappointed with myself. I cannot put my mind to ANYTHING and accomplish it. Its like I'm incapable.

I could go on for days justifying it. A good friend from out of town was down, and he did his best in showing us a good time in Seoul when we went up, so the favor had to be returned (and the guy owns a bar, great friend to have).

I also went off my diet. Had me some nice dunkas at 4 in the morning after the bar. And since I was out so late drinking tequila and giant and tonics, I couldn't make it to the gym on Saturday.

For fucking shame.

Donkasu (pronounced dunk-ass) deep fried pork cutlet served with delicious sauce


However my philosophy remains absolutely no regrets. I had a great time both Friday and Saturday night (on Saturday I drank beer *gasp* - I'm broke and it was the only solution). And life it too fucking short. I live my life more or less like I might die tomorrow and so I do the things that satisfy me.

And so I will take a step back and appreciate a life of moderation. I'll do my clean living thing during the week and enjoy a night out (or two) on the weekend. This weekend X has a friend from Canada coming. We have a Gongshow Galbi planned for him. I'm really looking forward to it.

Update: I was looking for a picture of dunkas and the only one I could find was from a Korean restaurant in LA.

Now I know it isn't actually Korean food, but actually Japanese (most good Korean food isn't Korean). So I searched and found this.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

its this or win the lottery...

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about my future over the past couple of weeks and I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that I am more likely than not, going to have to come back to Korea to do a second year.

I thought about my student loan debt and how much it would effect my life back home, should I return to Canada with it at $16,000, which is what it will be when I am finished my contact in August. And there is not possible way that I can deal with it. I have set a date to have it paid off: March 5, 2013. That's the day I turn 27. That's in four years. I don't think its possible.

The economic situation is one scary motherfucker. I had really not thought about its effect on my life until recently. I don't want to go home and perhaps not be able to find a good paying job, and not be able to afford rent, let alone loan payments. And working in Korea I can clear $2,000 a month and be able to throw money at my debt until it reaches a more manageable level.

There is downsides of course. For starters it means another year in Korea. I don't hate it here, I really don't I just miss home. I miss my friends and the places we used to go and the ease with which life was lived. I miss the freedom, I miss the luxuries, I miss snow and C.C.

Also, when I would finally be home for good, in 2011 I'd be nearly 25. With no real world work experience. This is terrifying to me.

But what is more terrifying is the thought of not being able to buy necessities like furniture, or taking yet another loan to go to college, and even the luxuries like vacations and outings and clothes, because I have loan payments.

The credit crisis has, I hope, shown our generation that we need to live within our means. We can't live on borrowed money. CAN'T. So I am aiming to live on my money. And I can't live if all of my money is going to paying debt. I don't want to be paying back a loan for ten years. As it is it will be nearly that.

So unless something miraculous happens, this is the best option I see to paying back this debt.

There are upsides as well. I will be able to do a lot more traveling. I will be able to avoid the career life for just one more year. I will be able to perhaps save some money to get things rolling when I get home.

I may explore other options, but this is the best one I see right now.

So its me and you Korea. Let's do it.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Budget - for all to see

For the Months: February, March and April
Salary = ~$2000

- OSAP= $1000
- Visa=$100
- MasterCard=$100
- OSAP unempolyment fund = $200
- CC unempolyment fund = $100
- Vacation fund = $100
_____________________________
Living Fund = ~ $400

Savings:
OSAP unempolyment fund = $600 (2 moths payment)
- CC unempolyment fund = $300 ( 2 moths payments)
- Vacation fund = $300 (1 flight)

For the Months: May, June, July
Salary= ~$2000

- OSAP= $1000
- Visa=$100
- MasterCard=$100
- OSAP unempolyment fund = $100
- CC unempolyment fund = $50
- Vacation fund = $250
_____________________________
Living Fund = ~$400

Savings (Grand Totals):
OSAP unempolyment fund = $900 (3 moths payment)
- CC unempolyment fund = $450 (3 moths payments)
- Vacation fund = $1050 (3 flights)

Movie Review: The Wrestler

Got baked (again, more awesome than before) and watched The Wrestler on Sunday. It was awesome. I tried to stay away from reviews for it ever since I started to hear the buzz. I watched the trailer and all it was was praise for the flick. Sometimes that can be a bad thing. They just find ramdoms on the internet who liked it and source them in that movie announcer voice to make it sound spectacular.

Anyways when the opening credits started rooling, I must say that I was expecting the worse. The fanfare they had manifested did not look anything like the WWF propaganda I grew up with and though that was some... 7 years after the main character's hayday was set I wasn't impressed. But when the film actually began, I was blown away. It was gitty and raw and painful and truthful and totally unexpected.

I was however confused and disappointed by somethings. The film had a real documentary feel with the abundance of handheld shots. And at first I thought the follow shots of The Ram were to emulate the follow shots common is modern wrestling broadcasts. It got to be little much though and just came off as lazy and unimaginative.

I also don't think that relationship between the daugther was wholly realistic. It came off like she was an unsympathic brat. And why is Rachel Evan Wood so damned white?? The storyline did play into the overall plot quite well, I just thought it could have been done better.

Also there was a lack of flashbacks. It remained to be seen just how successful of a wrestler he acutally was. I can imagine, but he must have fallen REALLY hard to end up where he did. There was also none of that - the fall from grace. I suppose that was an artistic choice to have the story focus narrowly on his personal assention to imagined greatness.

The story of The Ram is a great film in its exploration of masculinity. It take a look at the powerful male, at the on set of old age. There is no doubt in the viewer's mind that this guy is too old to be doing what he's doing (despite the fact he looks epicly built - *shudder* its still Mickey Rourke). But his measure of self worth is tied forever to his persona in the ring. It is his place of business, its what he knows how to do best and what he is good at.

The film also does a lot to show just how real wrestling is. I was a wrestling for a few short lived years. My mother would have none of it in her house, which worked for me because all of my friends had bigger and better TVs to watch it on. I still catch it on every once in a while and am taken aback by the amount of superstars who have been around since before I was a fan. Bret Micheals is still running around without his shirt and hes been wrestling since 1988 (omfg!). It is the ultimate male soap opera.

Rating time: ****/5
Check it out.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

January: By the Numbers

Number of days in the country: 26/31
Number of times I went to the gym: 19/31
Number of days I smoked: 15/31
Number of days I drank beer: 11/31

Goals for Feb:
Gym days = 24/28
Smoking days = 0/28
Beer(/drinking) days = 0/28

:s

A glorious weekend

Even though the past month or so has been pretty hectic (Thailand for New years, China last weekend), weekends in Korea are pretty - dull.

It's not so much unlike home. The same people get together at the same places and do the same thing. When we first got here that meant drinking till the wee hours of the morning and then spending Sunday recovering. After a while though the toll that was taking on our bodies became unbearable and so the boozefest was confined to Friday night and Saturday was spent doing slightly more interesting things. Watching old movies that had been on 'must-watch' lists for years, drinking wine and making dinners, chating and laughing - good times.

This weekend however was a little different - and amazing. As I was saying before, I really want to make a go of a strict diet and sobriety attempt for the month of February and so I tried my hardest (which didn't take much effort) to get super, gongshow, shitfaced on Friday night.

Fridays, we go to this fantastic galbi (Korean BBQ) place in KSU which is right down the street fron our favorite bar Keno-Eye. The owers is a realyl cool guy, very friendly and generous. He also writes off a few bottle of soju for our table as well as comps us some after dinner soup (usually it is spiecer than like octopus soup, this week it was some other red paste fish soup).

Anyways, long story short, this week we end up getting into an informal drinking competition with a table of businessmen sitting next to us. They did an obnoxiously loud cheers, so we had to one up them. But they were not having any of it. So 3 or 4 cokesomecs later, I'm pretty sure we won.

We leave gabli (full dinner: apps, main, finisher, and shitfaced drunk amound of drinks = $13 incl. tip) and head to Keno. Being as cheep as I am (and broke) I poured the leftover soju into one bottle and me and X and Z stood throwing it back in the street outside of the bar. We go in and have a gay ol' time - played darts, danced, laughed. On the dancefloor I see a very friendly face. I had met him the week before, but just briefly seeing as I was leaving for China in the morning and it was coming up on 2a.m.

So me and guy are dancing and its not long before we're making out. Sloppy, gross, drunk making out in a bar full or straights. Glorious. And terrible, but glorious. Took guy home, even more glorious. Praise the lord, I got laid. I was beginning to get worried that it would never happen again. It was contributing somewhat to the grey state of mind I have been in for a while. I'm sure that was almost 6 weeks since I had last... not an incredible drought, but... long time.

That Friday. Saturday was spent mostly nursing the hangover from Friday. Watched some Ugly Betty, ate a glorious breakfest, did some laundry. Finally finished watching this season of The Amazing Race. Yea Nick and Starr. Which reminds me...

This is Dallas. He raced with his mom. They came in fourth place. I came across this a while back. This is why you should NEVER send pictures of yourself to ANYBODY EVER. They WILL end up on the internet. Pretty hot though, eh? Anyways. Oh yes, Saturday. A former co-teacher of ours, got us a ridculous christmas present. Somehow, someway he found a source of pot and GIFTED a joint to us. Its much the best present ever for pot deprived Canucks in a strange drug-free land.

It came in the form of a joint and a roach, and one day after we got back from Thailand, X and I could not handle ourselves and smoked the roach without our friends. It was amazing. It was like an old friend had just wrapped you with a blanket and put his head on your shoulder and whipsered "everything is going to be alright." From the roach we only got 2 pulls each and so we made an executive decision that if we were going to smoke the rest between us and our co-workers (5 in total), we'd have to construct some kind of smoking device. We made a bucket/gravity bong and last night we got together at his place to do the deed.

When we got there he threw on Pumping Iron, for shits I suppose, but our entire group was enraptured by this film about muscle gods who competed against eachother in a quest to be named best of the best. It was truly an amazing film, most definetely worth watching.

X divided the ganj into 5 equal piles. He used his infinate wisdom and said "maybe we can get two bowls of out this." And that dear friends was the best idea EVER. Because that half bowl was just enough. The high crept up on you, that old friend wrapping you with the blanket. But soon he pulled the blanket over your head and put you in a garbage can and rolled you down and hill and when you got the bottom him and his friends beat the can with rocks and sticks. It was like I had never been high in my life. Like I was wasted. The girls was on a whole other level we had one parital freak out and two instant nappers.

I insisted we watch this movie Freaked. I remember it from when I was a child and my cousins showing it to me. And it must have been made by stoners for stoners because it was out of control. It was surreal and fantastical and hilarious. If you like silly B movies from the early '90s (and do drugs) give it a look see.

No one said a word for th entire movie and it seemed to go a lot quicker than the hour 20 running time. X and I tried to convince the girls it was a the prefect time for a MegaMart run, but they were having none of it. Two went home and Z said she couldn't move. So X and I went and go ice cream. Then I had a dunkas (fried pork and rice). Then I came home and watched some LOST and passed out. Wonderful. Just like old times.

Today I am going to watch more TV and stay in bed like I do most Sundays. And it will be glorious.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Beijing is for lovers

I am really upset that I didn't get to post last week. So much has happened and I would have really like to get all I had to say down before this post. But I suppose if I am diligent then I will come to it eventually.

So we just got back from spending a few days in China and while I would love to say that it was an amazing time, it wasn't. It wasn't all bad, not by any means. There were just a few too many downsides that took away from the whole experience. I remember as I ran through the Summer Palace thinking, "don't worry, you'll be back".

That was the main theme of the trip: 'Beijing: a don't blink or you'll miss it'

Highlights: The massiveness. The city didn't seem to be as sprawling as I would have expected, however did confine our adventures to, I'd guess like 1/4 of the city. But the places that we went. The Temple of Heaven, The Summer Palace, The Great Wall, The Forbidden City, Tainanmen Square - oh, the Olympic grounds - just vast, massive, impressive places.

Another important highlight was the hotel we stayed in. 5 stars. Gorgeous. The bed, the bathroom, the lobby, the gym, the sauna - wonderful, amazing. It however has its drawbacks.

Low lights: the annoying girls on the bus (Americans, of course), the relatively small amounts of time we got to spend of cultural sites versus the time we spent at shopping sights. The fact that our hotel was on the edge of town so we weren't close to anything. That only really mattered at night when we were in want of a place to go out and "kick up our heels". I said I didn't want the trip to be booze filled, but it would have been nice to have to option. Oh, and the lovers.

The Lovers were on perpetual display this weekend and I couldn't get over the terrible feelings they inspired in me. The easy way to describe it would be jealousy. But that is too blanket of a term. It was a sadness, a longing. In the shower this morning I came up with "their togetherness clanged metallic echos against the vast void in my life."

The Lovers by the by are X and Z. Z I've never talked about on here. She's a beautiful girl who works at my school. X and Z hooked up not very long after he arrived in Korea, however it remained to be seen what the outcome of it would be. 5 months later they seem to be a happy couple albeit, neither of them will go ahead and use relationship type words like that.

I said its not jealousy even though it clearly is. I want X still, not sure when that will fade, though I'm counting on the fact that it will. At one and the same time, it was all the other couples that were getting to me as well. The hand-holding, the embracing in the cold, the whispering, the giggling. Its weird because that couple experience is still foreign to me. I have only had two boyfriends and both of them were a farce. I can't really remember having that which I was jealous of. It remains an ideal of something I aspire to find.

And yet, does one actively seek something like that or does it find you? And if it does find you, where's mine? Undoubtedly, it's not in this country. But it I couldn't find it at home either. I did seek it at home and when that failed to yield any positive results, I stopped looking.

But this lonliness is beginning to consume me. I am a quite, sad person. Not the person I was before Christmas. In some respects I miss that me. I miss him so much and want him to come back and shake me out of this slump.

But that me ate like a pig and spent his money like he was rich. This sad me thinks more about what he eats and how he spends. This new sad me is seriously considering doing a rehab like 28 days. I want to refine the regiment I have begun. I want to stop drinking and smoking. I want to stop going out to dinners and indulging. I want to save $1500 and burn 5 pounds of fat. I want to waste away and have people worry about me. I want to spend weekend night alone in my room reading and writing and becoming a better version of myself.

Delusion of grandeur I suppose....

Saturday, January 17, 2009

time passes

Only posting because if I don't make a habit of it, I'll stop all together and I don't want to do that.

Two super quick movie review - no three...

Pan's Labyrinth - ****.5/5

Great film. I am mad at myself because I downloaded it. Which, one, means I am taking money out of the filmmaker's pocket; and two, I watched it on my laptop, which makes the quality shit and not nearly how the filmmaker intended it to be watched. I needs me a 63" wide screen plasma. One day...

Great story. I think that Captain is one of the most evil characters I have ever seen on film. Brutal scene with the knife. Haunted. Totally my kind of film though, loved the ending.

Lion's for Lambs - ****/5
Not sure what category this movie falls into - political thriller? (IMDB says "drama|war") Anyways I had a feeling I had seen it before I downloaded it, and as soon as I saw the first shot I knew that I had. Even still I watched it straight through and enjoyed the whole thing.

This one makes you think, and when I saw it university it was a perfect "fight for what you believe" in type of things. I like it especially because of the criticism it levels against the media and its role in the whole "war on terror".

Defiance: ***.5/5

It was a good movie. Completely frustrating because half of the movie is in Russian and because we live in Korea, the subtitles were, well, in Korean. So every time they would start speaking Russian everyone in my group would groan. Whatever.

Awesome performances by all the male leads: Jamie Bell (Billy Elliot) was really great and a boy who grows into a man. Daniel (swoon) Craig was also great, not as pout-ie as his 007 preformances which was nice and Leiv Schreiber who is always amazing.

Not gonna lie, kind of under whelmed. Gets points for that "enduring human spirit" thing.

* * *
Not much else going on. I am slowing starting to see a reduction in my belly fat. That makes me feel pretty good. However I will still call myself fat until the time that I can say, "hey? wanna see my abs?"

I might start going to muay thai with X. Not anytime soon soon. Maybe in like... April. My gym membership is paid for till then and this new place would be 100 a month. I have never been involved with anything like that, or at least not in my adult life. Might be good for me. I'm afraid of physical confrontation. Offically, I'm against it - "I'm a lover, not a fighter". But its more the fear of pain and injury. Yeah might be good for me.

Oh yeah leaving for China next Saturday. Should probably start packing. Its just four days, but CHINA!! Anywhozl. Shower time.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

self realization is awesome

So yeah I WAS feeling really down and I thought it was X, but I realized, "wait, its January, and I'm single yet again. And I do seem to be single and depressed in January. SEASONAL DEPRESSION!."

And just like that I felt a whole hell of a lot better. I realized, I'm not that sad of in individual that some straight guy is going to make my life not worth living (:), its just this time of year. I'm not sure if it is the fact that I am faced with the challenge of a new year and new goals and whatnot, because I don't really internalize or stress about that idea, or if its being lonly, because lets face it, I'm good at being alone and bad at being together. Its just the bitter cold and the seeming neverending banality of my life. (!!)

Anyways since I made this realization, I actually feel a million times better. I'm so much more focused on my goals - perhaps motivated is the word.

Anyways China is in... 10 days (fuck) and so a week and a bit more. I am hoping that by the end of Febuary I will have soemthing to show for my deiting. I hate this diet. I'm bored of it already... and it was would be so much more enjoyable if the price of chicken would stop going up(!). Yeah, a lot of spinich and egg whites and now tofu (blah). I only drank beer once last week and once this week. I know its only Wednesday, but thats one resolution I'd liek to keep. Its really not Taco Tuesday without a couple of beers.

Boring post ends - Now.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

emotions are stupid

I have been unable to shake this thing for X and it is completely maddening. I cannot believe that I am so - obsessed. Its sick.

Friday night we went out - all the teachers for dinner and drinks. I was having a great time. And then I noticed that he was sucking face with his (not) girlfriend. And my mood completely changed. As if!

I went to the gym on Saturday (woohoo!) and couldn't stop thinking about him and how much I hurt that we couldn't be together. I am disgusted that that is even possible.

But for as much as I know that the idea is moronic I can't do much about it. I suppose if I meditated on it I could come to terms with it, but I'm not a meditating kind of guy.

I think that writing this is helping. I feel better already.

Last night I drank at bottle of CC. I don't remember much. Woke up on my friend's floor.

Plan for this week. Gym six times. Wake up early and do legs and skip. Going to try and eat more sensibly than this week - I did pretty well though I think...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Thailand: in brief

I don't know what I expected from Thailand, but I have to say I was not disappointed. It was everything a tropical destination should be. It was hot, there were beaches, and tourists, and exotic scenes. It wasn't nearly as... what's the word... oriental - in the academic sense - as I would have hoped. Everything I saw, I somewhat expected, and as a matter of fact, actually reminded me of somewhere I'd been before: Cancun, Mexico.


Now I loved Cancun - had a fucking blast there. That also was everything a tropical destination should be. There was lots of drinking, lots of sunbathing, a lot of (not nearly close to Thailand) delicious food. I gorged myself in both places and drank more than is necessary as well.


What I did not except in Thailand was to fall in love. Writing it now seems oh so tripe, but I kind of live for shit like this. I'm not going to beat around the bush, simply because it wouldn't be hard to figure out who exactly the object of my affection is (was). But for sake of him I'll call him X, a fellow teacher at my school.


I remember the day X showed his face at school and how enamored I was with him at the outset. He was kind and handsome and generally a cool guy. However I quickly came to put him in the same category as all boys of that description; Straight and unattainable.


But in Thailand we bonded. More than we had in Korea and it was nice. It was really, really nice. It was nice to feela connection to someone and know that they enjoyed your company. Of course I am sure that the majority of it was imagined, but when we were leaving (our group one day ahead of him)I was heartbroken. I suppose I knew that the fantasy was over and that back in the real world we would go back to friends who shared a workspace and social group and not much else.

I will leave the tale of Will and X at that.There's no need to postulate and things that can never be and really never were. As I said I live for shit like that. Its all I've got.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

third time around

So this is my third blog. I haven't written in my last blog for over six months, probably closer to eight and I can't be bothered to update it, so I am starting anew.

Currently I have found sometime to blog again which is nice since I do really love to do it. I am an ESL teacher in South Korea and my afternoon schedule now includes a spare every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I should be preparing for my classes and aiming higher for myself and my students. But truth is I can't be bothered and I will do the same as I always do, walk into class and ask what page we're on.

Its not that I don't care about the kids or my job, its just that I have become quite content with settling for mediocrity. I suppose that's why all of my attempts at body modification have ended in failure.

But of course at minutes to midnight on December 31st, I vowed to turn it all around and make some positive changes in my life. Quit smoking, blah, getting off beer, blah, and blogging again. Blah.

I could/should do it when I'm off the clock, before bed perhaps. But I have to blog when I'm inspired. And I am inspired most when I am in the middle of my day and need to escape the reality that is dealing with these children. Today they haven't been particularly bad per say. In fact my kindergarten class went from 9 to 7 over the break and small classes are much easier to deal with than big ones.

But I am sort of in need to a release, or escape. I just got back from Thailand. It was beautiful. It was scerne. It was just what I needed after five months of teaching. But coming back I was not prepared for round two. I hadn't come to terms with the end of my vacation and this morning as I was trying to teach 6 year olds, who are in their 2nd year of English what ecology and pollution are, I just wanted to run away and never look back. The thought enters my head every so often. How much I want to go home. How over these children and the job I am. But I can't cut and run. Its not THAT terrible. I'm not swinging a sledge hammer or working retail. Both I've done and both are worse.

Its just... something. I don't know.

Well, its good to be back blogoshere. If you haven't read my stuff before check out my profile and read away.

The next post will be about Thailand and forbidden love. Oh yeah its good to be back.